It seems like its going to be one of those nights. However, this one is different. Most of the time my late nights are consumed with my failures as depression lays heavy on my chest. Tonight though, I don’t know what it is…Frustration maybe? confusion? Maybe too much cough syrup…(I’ve been sick! ha, I’m not an addict – scouts honor.) So I think, I’ll write you a letter to express it…
This is the life of a feeler. Someone who is connected to life in such a deep way. I’m not talking about being connected in a hipster way, I don’t sip coffee and talk about being “woke” all the time. It’s being connected to strangers, loved ones, communities in such a heart felt way. It’s being able to catch a vibe from a mile away, it’s seeing the pain from someone’s heart hid in the way they hold their hands. It’s my most cherished trait, and indeed my most hated.
Making friends is ridiculously easy, because I can tell a lot by just what words people use to describe their favorite show, or their favorite food (Which if it’s pizza, you by default are my bestie,) or even how they laugh at anything and everything. I know how to comfort the ones hiding pain, I usually notice it in the way they move their hands. It’s so much more then reading or observing, it’s just a connection you can’t help.
This makes attraction the worst thing in the world. Sure, good looking people are nice. But I’m attracted to the vibes, the light airiness in your laugh, in the way your eyebrow will furrow at some crazy thing that comes out of my mouth and just like that I’m hooked. No, I’m not lusting after you. I crave your mind, I want more. Because to me, finding someone with a smart mouth, and the vibe of warm sunshine is what I want…shoot, I’m almost sure its what I’ve missed my whole life.
Hence the crazy amount of frustration I feel right now. The universe has a funny way of colliding lives together. You came into the store, and I just couldn’t keep my eyes off you. Not because you were a model or anything (although, you weren’t half bad either..) but just in hopes that I wasn’t crazy, that you were indeed that sunshine I felt so warmly. We chatted about products, about life. Granted, my job requires a connection to customers for sales but there was an easiness about you. I felt the most me I’ve ever felt, but not just that. I felt the want…the need to be vulnerable with you and I wasn’t scared of you (which, if you know me…you also want to know this person, because everyone scares me.) I knew you were a kind soul, and honestly if I could’ve worked up the nerve to ask you out to lunch I would’ve, except the store was crazy busy and my shift wasn’t anywhere close to being done. (*sigh* retail life)
And now I’m laying in bed, wondering if you’re in bed wondering about me. I’m curious if you could feel the energy, the warmness that was there. But if I know anything about being a feeler, it’s that nobody ever quite gets the feels like you. People fall in love for some silly reasons, some superficial, and now-a-days love may not ever be an option. no connection. However, wordpress as my witness, I feel so connected to you. Should the universe ever let us collide, even maybe through a silly blog post like this someday (someday soon!) I would hope we could connect once more, in the most fulfilling way.