Craving Toxins

So I’m sitting here in my room, at my new fancy desk, and I realize I have yet to write on the blog since New Years. My resolution keeping sucks, which is very apparent. But I’ve noticed something else, I’m secretly wanting to talk to my dad even though he hates me. Which is totally taboo for my generation, because we’re all way too cool to care about dumb things like feelings and relationships anyways.

I realize today though, that the feeling is heavy on my heart, that while I am craving toxic people from times past that I am simultaneously trying to shut them out. Its a weird feeling, like that feeling when you go over a hill too fast in your car. It’s in the pit of your stomach and at first its a good feeling but you go too fast and it’ll make you sick.

So what’s it like to crave toxic people? Well allow me to define, while also offering you some solutions.

You will take any attention you can get. It doesn’t matter if its bad, good, or dangerous. You want people to look at you and love you because that person did not. First and foremost let me just say, regardless if that person loved you or not you’re still pretty amazing. You don’t need to degrade yourself, hurt yourself, or do anything to yourself because you is already better than prime time television and sliced bread combined. So instead of doing things to yourself, how about doing things for yourself. (i.e. #treatyoself)

You find your need for validation sky rockets. So maybe you have had a great month, and then some picture or Facebook video triggers you and reminds you of said toxic person. While reminding you of the good, you are also reminded of the reasons they left. Now you are more terrified to make decisions than a wet puppy in a dark alley. Have no fear, because this is the hardest one for me to combat too! The one thing you need to know, is although your heart is sending your brain these messages, your brain still knows that you’re a boss and you don’t need any validation. Not sure if you look good enough to go out? No worries, you’ve worn this outfit before and you remember how much you loved it. So go fourth in confidence (this applies to apparel, doing your job, doing your hair.) because I’m sure your slaying the game regardless of what your telling yourself in the moment.

You are unable to enjoy yourself. You feel like something is wrong with you and must be fixed before you could ever enjoy an aspect of life. For example: My dad told me that he wished he never had me and that I would never amount to anything. However (!) I have friends who encourage me at all hours of the day to follow my dreams because I’m super talented and loveable. I feel like I need to become a better daughter before I can ever do the things I love with the rocking talents I have. NOT TRUE. Like me, you have fought through it to make it to where you are alive and well. You deserve to do everything your heart and mind can think of! Want to own a rocking hot dog stand in New York? Go, be free my little weenie. Maybe you’ve always wanted to go to beauty school? Yass, please go make everyone slay. Do you, always. Because you’re all you have and you got to see to it that you’re happy!

Really, I want you to understand a few things it has taken me two years to come to understand. What you feel is normal, but acting on it is detrimental. Your brain has labeled them toxic for a reason. You are an amazing person, with gifts and talents all your own. You can do anything you put your mind to. And you can do it all without any help from Toxic Tim or Terrible Tina*.

Be the Queen (And/or King) you know you are.

XOXO,

Steph

*I am in no way implying Tim’s and Tina’s are bad people. I mean, my idol is Tina Fey, soooo?

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New year, who dis?

Welcome to 2016! Insert all cliché quotes about this being page one of 365 and so on and so forth.

Personally new years as a holiday is not a big deal to me. I’m not much of a partyer or drinker, so I’m in bed by the time 12:01 rolls around. In the past I have always started a journal and wrote all my resolutions I was going to uphold that year. So I’m sure you know how many journals I have laying around with about a weeks worth of entries because journaling was always so w e i r d to me… and I’m also sure you can relate to the amount of resolutions I have made but never followed through with.

2015 has been a doozy for me this year. I have took many steps forward, but a million more back. I’ve been lied to, cheated, and manipulated. I’ve been rock bottom what seems like all year…but I survived. Damn right, I am alive and swell. No, I’m not rich. No, I’m not in a relationship. No, I don’t have a single thing to show for 2015. But I’m breathing, my heart is beating in me, and my mind is full of all the lessons learned. I am ready to start fighting toward the life I survived all these years for. I know what I deserve (finally! My therapist, Jen, would be so proud! Ha!)

So I’m not making any resolutions about losing weight (because..pizza..duh), or about finding love, just things I can achieve. Greatness starts small right?

  1. Go outside. Run, skip, swing, bike, dance, do karate for the love of bologna. Just go outside, because its gorgeous out there.
  2. Blog my heart out. I had an amazing 6k in readers this year (Thanks guys!) But I want to write more, improve my style, and maybe start writing for companies. (Buzzfeed, quit playing…you know you want me!)
  3. Start & finish my book. Because God knows I’ve procrastinated too long.. *sigh*
  4. Be fearless. I’m so tired of playing double Dutch with my own life. Always being hesitant about what people will think about my clothes, hair, life, etc. I will be fearless, I will do more of what I want. I will go back to school, chop my hair off, get a tattoo, do it all! No more sissy Steph.

And finally…

5. To belong deeply to myself. This one is so hard for me to even think about doing, but I’m excited as hell for it. My entire life has revolved around others. I have laid down my own passions and desires for others. This year I am going to chase after every dream and every passion my heart has. I’m going to learn about myself, my mind. I want to love myself so deeply, to be so comfortable with myself, that I will have no need to ever be validated by anyone. Come 2017 – I will know I am enough, because I always have been.

 

How exciting 2016 will be. I literally cant wait to look back in a year and read this and laugh because I will have accomplished them all and so much more!

Warmness

It seems like its going to be one of those nights. However, this one is different. Most of the time my late nights are consumed with my failures as depression lays heavy on my chest. Tonight though, I don’t know what it is…Frustration maybe? confusion? Maybe too much cough syrup…(I’ve been sick! ha, I’m not an addict – scouts honor.) So I think, I’ll write you a letter to express it…

Dear Warmness,

This is the life of a feeler. Someone who is connected to life in such a deep way. I’m not talking about being connected in a hipster way, I don’t sip coffee and talk about being “woke” all the time. It’s being connected to strangers, loved ones, communities in such a heart felt way. It’s being able to catch a vibe from a mile away, it’s seeing the pain from someone’s heart hid in the way they hold their hands. It’s my most cherished trait, and indeed my most hated.

Making friends is ridiculously easy, because I can tell a lot by just what words people use to describe their favorite show, or their favorite food (Which if it’s pizza, you by default are my bestie,) or even how they laugh at anything and everything. I know how to comfort the ones hiding pain, I usually notice it in the way they move their hands. It’s so much more then reading or observing, it’s just a connection you can’t help.

This makes attraction the worst thing in the world. Sure, good looking people are nice. But I’m attracted to the vibes, the light airiness in your laugh, in the way your eyebrow will furrow at some crazy thing that comes out of my mouth and just like that I’m hooked. No, I’m not lusting after you. I crave your mind, I want more. Because to me, finding someone with a smart mouth, and the vibe of warm sunshine is what I want…shoot, I’m almost sure its what I’ve missed my whole life.

Hence the crazy amount of frustration I feel right now. The universe has a funny way of  colliding lives together. You came into the store,  and I just couldn’t keep my eyes off you. Not because you were a model or anything (although, you weren’t half bad either..) but just in hopes that I wasn’t crazy, that you were indeed that sunshine I felt so warmly. We chatted about products, about life. Granted, my job requires a connection to customers for sales but there was an easiness about you. I felt the most me I’ve ever felt, but not just that. I felt the want…the need to be vulnerable with you and I wasn’t scared of you (which, if you know me…you also want to know this person, because everyone scares me.) I knew you were a kind soul, and honestly if I could’ve worked up the nerve to ask you out to lunch I would’ve, except the store was crazy busy and my shift wasn’t anywhere close to being done. (*sigh* retail life)

And now I’m laying in bed, wondering if you’re in bed wondering about me. I’m curious if you could feel the energy, the warmness that was there. But if I know anything about being a feeler, it’s that nobody ever quite gets the feels like you. People fall in love for some silly reasons, some superficial, and now-a-days love may not ever be an option. no connection. However, wordpress as my witness, I feel so connected to you. Should the universe ever let us collide, even maybe through a silly blog post like this someday (someday soon!) I would hope we could connect once more, in the most fulfilling way.

Signed,

Hopeless Connector