Craving Toxins

So I’m sitting here in my room, at my new fancy desk, and I realize I have yet to write on the blog since New Years. My resolution keeping sucks, which is very apparent. But I’ve noticed something else, I’m secretly wanting to talk to my dad even though he hates me. Which is totally taboo for my generation, because we’re all way too cool to care about dumb things like feelings and relationships anyways.

I realize today though, that the feeling is heavy on my heart, that while I am craving toxic people from times past that I am simultaneously trying to shut them out. Its a weird feeling, like that feeling when you go over a hill too fast in your car. It’s in the pit of your stomach and at first its a good feeling but you go too fast and it’ll make you sick.

So what’s it like to crave toxic people? Well allow me to define, while also offering you some solutions.

You will take any attention you can get. It doesn’t matter if its bad, good, or dangerous. You want people to look at you and love you because that person did not. First and foremost let me just say, regardless if that person loved you or not you’re still pretty amazing. You don’t need to degrade yourself, hurt yourself, or do anything to yourself because you is already better than prime time television and sliced bread combined. So instead of doing things to yourself, how about doing things for yourself. (i.e. #treatyoself)

You find your need for validation sky rockets. So maybe you have had a great month, and then some picture or Facebook video triggers you and reminds you of said toxic person. While reminding you of the good, you are also reminded of the reasons they left. Now you are more terrified to make decisions than a wet puppy in a dark alley. Have no fear, because this is the hardest one for me to combat too! The one thing you need to know, is although your heart is sending your brain these messages, your brain still knows that you’re a boss and you don’t need any validation. Not sure if you look good enough to go out? No worries, you’ve worn this outfit before and you remember how much you loved it. So go fourth in confidence (this applies to apparel, doing your job, doing your hair.) because I’m sure your slaying the game regardless of what your telling yourself in the moment.

You are unable to enjoy yourself. You feel like something is wrong with you and must be fixed before you could ever enjoy an aspect of life. For example: My dad told me that he wished he never had me and that I would never amount to anything. However (!) I have friends who encourage me at all hours of the day to follow my dreams because I’m super talented and loveable. I feel like I need to become a better daughter before I can ever do the things I love with the rocking talents I have. NOT TRUE. Like me, you have fought through it to make it to where you are alive and well. You deserve to do everything your heart and mind can think of! Want to own a rocking hot dog stand in New York? Go, be free my little weenie. Maybe you’ve always wanted to go to beauty school? Yass, please go make everyone slay. Do you, always. Because you’re all you have and you got to see to it that you’re happy!

Really, I want you to understand a few things it has taken me two years to come to understand. What you feel is normal, but acting on it is detrimental. Your brain has labeled them toxic for a reason. You are an amazing person, with gifts and talents all your own. You can do anything you put your mind to. And you can do it all without any help from Toxic Tim or Terrible Tina*.

Be the Queen (And/or King) you know you are.



*I am in no way implying Tim’s and Tina’s are bad people. I mean, my idol is Tina Fey, soooo?